Welcome to the boudoir of Her Majesty Catherine Aquârt. I am currently resting and not available. While waiting, you may, if you desire, read my biography.
Her Majesty's Biography
By Eric Gunnarsen, courtier.
- Born to ruling family of idyllic land of bountiful harvest, surrounded by warm seas.
- Beautiful princess is sent to Malvernland to be schooled in Royal Ways; trained to ascend to the throne of her native land, loved by all her subjects.
- Thwarted by her ambitious brother, Prince Shane the Younger, also known as Pűké le Pétit, who, with his imported Mongol hordes, wrests control of the kingdom and forces the princess to flee.
- Tries to set up a new Eden in wild back country of the Shire of Loops, but is ultimately defeated by viciously harsh climate and atrocious table manners of the Sauvages de Pied Grande.
- Undaunted, spunky princess forms her own court on a nearby idyllic Pacific Isle of bountiful harvest, surrounded by unconscionably cold seas, and proclaims herself Queen. She is immediately loved by all her subjects.
- Unfortunately, Her Majesty must involve herself in a power struggle with the Pretender to the throne, the evil Duke of Wess, who controls the royal coffers.
- Seeking allies, the Queen sails abroad, back to the environs of Malvernland, and at last good fortune falls her way as she meets the dashing Count Martooni of Laptop, who, like all her subjects, immediately falls in love with her. They marry at once, forming a formidable alliance. The Count, with nerves of steel, and ice water (mixed liberally with Scotch) in his veins, vows to help his new love regain control of her land.
- The Queen returns to the Pacific Isle, filled with resolve, and sets to remodeling an ancient castle on the edge of the capital: her new power base. She is loved anew by all her subjects.
- Count Martooni and the evil Duke of Wess engage in furious battle, the former using the mysterious Gatesian Black Arts whose names must not be spoken, the latter using the concentrated power of a number of middling dukes and their fiefdoms in the Circular Forest.
- There are signs that the Queen and her consort are winning this battle, but for now, exhausted by the struggle and the attendant machinations in court, Her Majesty has decided to rest at Castle Edge, accompanied only by her faithful manservant, Hébčrt, and ministered to by her beloved Count.
- The Pacific Isle awaits Her Majesty’s return, for she is truly loved by all her subjects.